![]() ![]() Sometimes it’s going to seem like you will die if you open that door, but your fear of the feelings is likely going to be far worse than the feelings themselves. You’re going to discover that all those things you were trying not to feel are going to demand to be felt. Then you’re ready to surrender and ask for help. Usually this means that you’ve reached a point where the pain of staying the same is worse than the fear of changing. ![]() BRETT WALKER CAUSE OF DEATH FULLAre you ready to transmute lead into gold?įirst you must decide that your intention is to live, and to embrace your full complexity as a human being. The only reason your soul would choose to come here and experience such bondage and misery is to have an equally profound experience of freedom and joy. Welcome to the invitation to embrace your full complexity. It comes down to this question: is there something that you cannot stop participating in that is consistently getting in the way of your happiness? Welcome. ![]() It’s like an acute version of the human condition.Īs the Buddha pointed out in the Four Noble Truths, the nature of our existence is suffering caused by attachment and aversion. ![]() It’s believed to be a complex brain disease with causes that are physiological, psychological and environmental. Neither of these are addiction.Īddiction is characterized by a mental obsession that leads to a compulsive behavior, despite negative consequences. Abuse happens all the time too, like binge drinking at college parties or off-label prescription drug use. Lest you wish to argue semantics, the last bastion of denial, allow me to clear up the differences between addiction, dependence and abuse.ĭependence occurs in hospitals all the time when a person is put on morphine for pain control and then experiences withdrawal symptoms when taken off. That gift, that opportunity to open further into life, is gone. When it’s most important for you to be present and consciously participate in your own evolution, instead you’ll drive to the mall or take that hit, pop that pill or find that boy (or girl) to get with. If you don’t address the issue you will end up slowly sabotaging your happiness and the happiness of those around you. If you are struggling with a process addiction, like food or sex, you probably aren’t in danger of waking up in the ER tomorrow, or not waking up at all. Maybe the consequences haven’t gotten this bad for you, and maybe they never will. My first thought was what did I do? My second thought was how do I get that gun so I can put myself out of my misery? Addiction defeated me. The last time, I woke up naked in the psych ward of the ER, my liver failing, an Ativan drip in my arm to keep me from banging my bruised face against the wall, and a cop guarding me. Another time my dealer actually revived me with CPR and a shot of Naloxone in my leg after I stopped breathing. Once I woke up in the ER on life support. I was so afraid and ashamed that I just kept pushing my problem into the back of my mind, year after year, praying for a miracle or death, whichever would come first. What I didn’t want to accept was the fact that the solution could only be found by facing my worst fear, which in this case, was getting clean and confronting my despair. I believed that my addictions were not the problem but rather symptoms of the problem, and I used that rationalization to keep looking in other directions for a solution. In retrospect I see that I was relying on their ignorance because my addiction was the last thing that I wanted to look at. I sat at the feet of great teachers who were amazing, but they did not understand addiction. I would nod out in the self-help section of the independent bookstore. I ordered the quinoa and steamed vegetables and then left to shoot up in the bathroom. I wanted authentic relationships but I kept a hundred secrets from you. Shots of wheatgrass in the morning and shots of vodka in the afternoon. I was the guy in your yoga class sweating alcohol from every pore. Drawing a new line and crossing that one too. Right now you’re wondering why you keep breaking these promises to yourself-day after day-drawing a line in the sand and crossing it. Right now you don’t think addiction is a gift. Addiction can defeat you, and be your greatest gift. ![]()
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